7 mei 2020
Lieve Marjan.
Vanmorgen vroeg zat ik te werken in mijn tuin, een plek die ik de laatste periode steeds meer ben gaan waarderen. De vogels op de achtergrond, geluid van een vliegtuig in de lucht, zo nu en dan een eend die in het water plonst, de zon op mijn armen. In de zon bereid ik mij voor op een online meeting later deze dag met iemand die een training volgt. Naar aanleiding van de persconferentie gisteren. Het is een dag zoals de dagen hiervoor…en toch is er iets veranderd, ik voel het in mijn lichaam, kan niet precies duiden wat. Is het de omgeving, de geluiden om mij heen, mijn gedachten aan een gesprek gisteren, wat ik allemaal nog moet doen of is het een oud gevoel?
Dan zeg ik tegen mijzelf: misschien moet je dit gevoel niet analyseren, misschien is het behulpzamer mijn ogen even dicht te doen, waarnemen wat er nu werkelijk aan de hand is. Zonder verwachting, een pasklaar antwoord, gewoon even zijn.
Terwijl ik zit gaan mijn gedachten zig zag door elkaar heen, mijn hart klopt sneller dan normaal, mijn hoofd is vol. Ik moet iets met de versoepeling van de regering, ik moet zo even terugmailen over mijn vakantiedagen die ik moet opnemen voor einde dit jaar, ik moet even checken of de KLM nu wel of niet maatregelen heeft getroffen i.v.m. onze reis naar Indonesië, ik moet zo even mijn kamer opmeten met hoeveel deelnemers ik de training weer kan gaan oppakken, ik moet, oh ja, terug naar mijn ademhaling….
Onrust, onrust, onrust, ademhaling, ademhaling, ademhaling. In gedachten zeg ik tegen mijzelf, het komt allemaal goed, heb vertrouwen, je kunt niet alles Nu oplossen. Teleurstelling, teleurstelling, teleurstelling, ademhaling, ademhaling en nog maar een keer ademhalen.
Langzaam maak ik steeds meer contact met mijn ademhaling, hoor weer de geluiden om mij heen, de zon op mijn armen en glimlach. Ik doe mijn ogen open en mijn tuin is nog steeds hetzelfde, alleen ervaar ik meer ruimte, meer kleur.
Ik besluit eerst jou te schrijven en terwijl ik schrijf zijn alle dingen die moeten nog niet opgelost, maar het voelt wel anders in mijn lichaam. Meer ruimte in mijn hoofd, de teleurstelling dat we waarschijnlijk niet naar Indonesië kunnen, kwam tijdens het zitten ineens naar boven drijven. Teleurstelling, niet zo gek toch? Ik ga zo eerst maar eens wandelen, accepteren dat ik teleurgesteld ben. Geduld en vertrouwen dat deze teleurstelling ook weer overgaat. Wat ziet de wereld er toch steeds weer anders uit en veranderen situaties van moment tot moment. Ik kijk uit naar onze live-date dinsdag, op gepaste afstand en toch weer een stapje dichter bij elkaar. Dikke kus, Jacquelien
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